New Trails in Motherhood

Reflections on parenting grown children, creating new habits, and rewiring old brain patterns

As I type this, I’m sitting on the coast of New Hampshire in my son’s winter rental. He’s off teaching a flight lesson, and I’m here with the dogs, waiting for him to return so we can make breakfast.

My favorite, most meditative show, Gardener’s World, is playing in the background, and I’m doing my best to stay sitting in the corner of his couch, resisting the urge to wash the dishes in the sink, clear off the counters, and give his bathroom a good scrub.

Last night at dinner, I asked if I could clean out his fridge, thinking I’d be helping him get a head start before his move out in a few weeks.

He smiled and said, “No.”

He must’ve seen my disappointment, because he put his arm around me and said, “Thanks, Mom, but that’s my responsibility.”

So as I sit here now, literally on my hands to keep myself from picking up a broom and sweeping up the floor, I’m recalling the recent conversation I had with one of my dearest friends.

She was telling me how she’s noticed this pattern in her life - always stepping in, always trying to help others, especially when it comes to her kids.

Always trying to fix.

I nodded. “I’m a fixer too."

She also shared that she's the go-to problem solver in her work - always putting out fires - seeing a problem and knowing exactly how to solve it. Like a superpower… until it’s not.

“Why is this so hard to stop?” she asked, taking a sip of her tea.

That’s when our conversation shifted toward neuroscience and habit formation.

“You’re developing a new muscle,” I said, and reminded her to offer herself grace and patience.

"You know that path in the woods near your house where you and your dog walk every day?" I asked.

She nodded.

“It’s well-worn, wide, and easy to traverse, right?”

She nodded again.

“Well, that,” I said, “is like the well-worn path in your brain. The solve other people’s problems path. The one you've been walking for years. Your pattern path."

Her eyes got wide.

"Ok, now imagine walking a brand new path. One that’s overgrown, hardly ever walked on, and hard to navigate," I said. "It'll take a while, but as you start walking it every day, it’s eventually going to get worn down, right? Your footsteps will make grooves and it’s going to become more and more familiar. And eventually, if you keep walking it, it will become your default path.”

She smiled. “Ah," she said, "like a well worn path in my brain."

“Yup,” I said, lifting my mug. “That’s exactly what happens in our brains when we shift old patterns - we’re literally creating new neural pathways.”

We both lifted our mugs to toast our new commitment to resisting the urge to step in and fix. "Unless, we're asked," she added, and we both laughed.

So today, as I sit here resisting the urge to tidy up my grown son’s cottage, I’m walking that new path. It’s a little bumpy and uncomfortable, but I know it’s definitely leading somewhere rewarding.

What about you?

What are your "pattern paths"?

No judgement, just play with it and start to notice!

If you feel called to share, I'd love to hear.

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